Going back?

It's reunions this weekend (but I'm not there), my little '11 buddies are all grown up and graduating, and I have less than a month left in Kenya. A few days ago I wrote some reflections in order to help me try to decide what to do in my last month to finish up my project, but it turned into more of a personal reflection. So it seemed like a relevant thing to turn into a blog post, although now that I reread it it is largely nonsensical:

Today marks exactly one month until I fly back to the US and head almost directly to the Compton retreat in San Francisco. That means it’s been about 11 months since our retreat last year and just over 10 months since I arrived in Kisumu on July 19, 2010. The other night I was talking to Ricky and he was commenting on how looking back on the beginning of his time here (he arrived around the same time I did) everything seems sunny and happy and in recent months he has become more stressed about his work, more tired of the tiring things about living in Kenya, and more ready to go home. So I had to think about whether I have gone through a similar transition – was I happier when I started? Am I ready to go home? Is that a result of failures and challenges or just a desire to have fast internet and be able to relax and not stand out every time I leave the house?

In my first five months here I had no thoughts of wanting to leave. After I went home for Christmas, came back, and left again for my time in the UK, the idea of being back in a developed country, with my friends from college and where everything is easy, started to appeal to me more. Now, as my departure date approaches, I feel less ready to leave the great friends I have made here, abandoning my project, the beautiful weather, affordable living, access to incredible places. To make up for it I have planned to visit about 6 US states and 3 countries in the summer before starting graduate school next year. I think my experience in Kenya is roughly paralleled by the weight I have gained and lost this year – ten pounds on gradually, represents filling myself with Kenya and starting to feel like I don’t fit in my current set of clothes, need to change and shed and start over in a lot of ways. Most of that 10 pounds off again, still sticking with my new clothes, my new life, but being better able to control myself and no longer needing to gorge on Kenya-ness and feeling a better sense of fitting in here in relation to fitting in elsewhere, home in Kenya, home in Europe or the US, home nowhere, but it doesn’t matter. I am so lucky to have this experience, and I tell myself this every day. I am 23, and I live in Kenya, I travel to France for conferences, I can communicate online with people back home, and I am managing a project that involves Zebu cattle and learning about diseases and public health and pathology and technology and research and management. I think I am ready to go home, to start grad school, be taught microbiology and statistics and research practices – this year, I opened up the spaces in my brain by trying to teach myself all of these subjects and more, and next year, I will start to fill in the gaps and I will be able to do such awesome work when I come back to Kenya to do my MSc research.

Has the US changed since I’ve been away? Will Kenya change over the next year when I’m gone? KEMRI/CDC is facing major budget cuts, laying off close to 1/3 of all staff, cutting programs, cutting global health research. Will it be a different center when I come back? Or will it be the differences in my perspective and knowledge that are more important than these logistical transitions?